Over the weekend, one of my friends wrote on his slave heart. I know I had written before about the feeling of need to submit and it honestly is still there as well. After reading his journal entry and the events over the past few days, I have had to truly think on things.
My slave heart is in yearning. It had been taken care of via the previous vanilla relationships I was in since I just let myself take on the role of that 1950s house wife that did for her husband in almost every way. Even work seems to be better since I let myself dive into the role given to me then doing my best to excel at it. After being on a date and hanging out a bit with a new guy friend in my life, I’ve come to realize things more after speaking with him. He is vanilla and I am not. I dont just view sex as something that has to be done all the time and it cant be done with just anyone with me cause there are risks. Also, Im not at that age anymore where I’m as horny as a rabbit and just need to get some to be happy. Love not being about the sex but everything in between as well from cooking and cleaning or even organizing art supplies so that when he is ready to draw he knows everything is there waiting for him perfectly. My heart is a slave’s heart and that is what it needs out of relationships. I have to be able to give my all and know that the support is there if I give to much to make me slow down once again. I’m not an expert on anything. I am fully aware of that and read and learn as much as I can always. However, I have come to realize that I am no longer a novice as well. I caught on too quickly and was like a sponge to those I was around. I learned and adapted, finding my own place and myself in the process. I also realized that I need someone who is truly aware of the discipline it takes to be kinky as well and the patience. I understand anyone that wants to experiment and gladly think that anyone should explore those feelings as well. However, I dont believe I am the one to experiment with. I believe in learning the basics and working up to more complex things. We learn how to add and subtract before mutiplying and dividing, which leads to us learning how to do any other aspects of math. There is a foundation which is laid out before us to make sturdy and firm so that we may build upon it. I’ve grown enough from my past to know I dont need to be with anyone that cant understand that sex is much more than just penetration for me. Now a days, I have to be able to connect with whoever Im with and feel attracted to them in that way before I have sex with them. Im not even speaking of any BDSM aspects. After not being in a relationship for so long and not having sex with anything but toys, its turns into something of a cherry on top kind of thing. It’s not what is going to make up the major part of a relationship for me again. People seem to confuse politeness and kindness for flirting when I was just raised to be polite and kind. Only one guy is truly the one person I would give my ring size to and he is currently in California. I think over the next few days, I will be sitting down and trying to better word this to think better.
Last night, I went out to Game Night at the Mark which turned out to be such a blast! There was an FKN munch before hand which I didn’t attend thanks to shopping and then dawning my lovely new jewelry between my legs once again.
So I was suppose to have a date that night for Game Night but I’m starting to realize that he may not have the best time management skills known to man… He is nice but it honestly feels like a friendship versus something more. Well since he didn’t join me that night, I went ahead and got my clit hood repierced after it had closed up years ago thanks to an ex and his unconcern for my own health. It honestly feels good to have it back where it’s suppose to be. I swear that I’m telling the truth when I said “Welcome home.” after it was done while I was still on the table. It’s definitely still sore since there was scar tissue to get through since it is in the same exact spot as before but it will heal. So this will be an interesting week once again of not being able to touch myself at all. Im going to be so mad as a hatter with my toys next Saturday, I may need to call out of work. This week really makes me want to get a Hitachi Wand, plug it in then go to town harder than a gambler in Vegas. After getting the piercing, it has really got me wanting to get new tattoos as well. I want a Hello Kitty bow inside my mouth on my lower lip I think and a phoenix tattoo on my neck and back. The only thing is that it is going to be hard to cover one on my neck so I may have to reconsider it for a later time since my hair is short on the sides and back. Anyway… It was an epic start to my night and it truly got even better from there.
Game night was awesome though. I got to wrestle on which I have really been in my tiger mode lately, needing to be physical in an unsensual way but able to touch every part of their body as well. I want to bite and pin and claw and gnaw at them while I growl lovingly, even if it doesnt feel like much love. My tigress is accutely aware of everything at the moment and it feels like a possible mating season but she isnt just letting anyone take her. It’s an odd but fulfilling feeling when I get to wrestle and pin someone against the ground. Surges of adrenaline and its all instinct at that point, thinking not exactly it and all motions are just done. getting that energy out of me was what I needed but I know I will be on prowl again soon. The rest of game night was great with getting to play with friends and chat with plenty of them that I had not seen in so long. I even happened to meet a girl I went to middle school with. The fact that I keep meeting people who are kinky or aware of kink makes me feel the world is getting smaller and bigger at the same time. Still not sure how to process that. Regardless, it made my weekend beyond great despite getting bruises and feeling stiff.
Its been a while since I gave a last update on how things were going. I haven’t really been too active this year as I searched for a job and finally found one then got a second job on top of it! I’ve been out a few times and played with people as well as grown a lot more as a person. Half way through the year, Im finally feeling like Im coming into my own as an adult, but I am finding out that even that comes with difficulties at times. So on with the update!
I can say that I’m officially a dollie to my Girl on which I love dearly and playing with Her Daddy is always fun. I was rather nervous at first as I had not sexually played with anyone in kink for reasons stated in previous blogs. I like to keep my partners safe. After this experience, I’m learning that you can still be safe and have fun sensually as well. I love the time I spend in Her arms and cuddling as well as the feel of Her lips against mine. I swear its intoxicating and so easy to get lost in. I hate to see Her down and wish I could fix things so She would never have to be sad or upset but I know I would only be able to do so much. She is always going to be the special Lady in my life, even as friends. Last Friday, was FemDom Night and it was great fun for me. Even got to wrestle, which has lead to the planning of a wrestling tournament to soon come to pass I hope. It also led me to realize that I am definitely all tiger. There are different stages and moods, but I am tiger all the same. There is the tiger cub which is sweet and playful with plenty of gnawing and pouncing. The aggressive tiger who will take on challenges of anything with a piercing eye on the prize. Then there is also my loner tiger on which prefers to be alone and will get territorial about its space. Whenever I feel like Im in that loner mood, I tend to stay away from people if possible since she isn’t very social. Friday night brought out the aggressive tiger for sure on which she gained the name, Tora Ai, as a wrestling name. Tora Ai means tiger love in Japanese and it seems to fit me and it’s also growing on me as well. I’m already thinking about what outfit to make for Tora Ai. *chuckles*
Moving on to a serious note… As of late, it feels like something is missing. Maybe it is my own jitters and such about taking so much control of my life to make sure I get on my feet better. Thoughts of if I am making the right choices that come with supposedly be older and wiser. Part of me wants someone to help me make those decisions and really guide me where I need to me. I don’t crave to be told what to do as I’ve come to realize that I will rebel. Im not a brat but it takes a bit of authority for me to just do as I am told. I followed that so much all the way up until I was eighteen, that now it’s still getting out of my system. As said before in previous entries, I am forward and very much in control of things in my public life and I feel so off balance when I have to take control of my private life as well. The submissive in me screams to be able to let it all go and float for even a little bit of time without care. Just falling deep in thud and sensations again like I used to when I got into kink. I know I can take more and I don’t mind it sometimes, but its been so long since I really got to lose myself in sensations with someone without being pulled away cause something hurt. At that point, I just take it for my partner’s pleasure but when it hurts, I start to wonder if that is a path to the unknown slave space. I have never been a masochist and I don’t get a rise out of seeing marks or bruises along my skin. I really am a sensationalist and like to feel as if my skin were alive and aching for desire of more but it has lacked that aspect for me this year. I’m not quite sure what is going on and it’s slightly bothersome. I don’t like feeling like a need isn’t being met, but I’m not sure how to put it in words properly to ask for it. Even now, I still feel like these words aren’t accurate enough to explain what I am feeling right now. Firm but soft controlling touch that I can feel deep within the crevasses of my soul… Heh, even that doesn’t seem to give it justice. Right now, I think I will have to just deal and push the feeling away until I can figure out what to do with it. *sigh*
And now I must say something pertaining to the late odd happenings… I honestly believe there is something in the water or I’m leaking pheromones that can reach across the country. All of my official ex-boyfriends have tried to get back with me in the past two months and I have been getting hit on at work as if I were hot shit. Im aware that when a single female finally gets things together in their life, they seem to give off an air of confidence that is attractive to most males. I do not doubt such things besides the fact that I am happy with being single and doing me for a lack of words. I don’t have kids and I have two jobs, my own car and take care of my bills. I may not be thin like some people but I’m working on it and I’m attractive regardless of my weight. I’ve never been one for much attention from guys but it’s like they are coming out from under rocks and the depths of the Earth suddenly. So far, I have been able to fend off all advances until this past weekend happened. My last ex-boyfriend called and asked me to move out to OK to be with him and marry him, promising to provide for me and help me with anything cause he was in love with me and wanted to make up for all the hurt he did to me when we were together. Now, when someone calls you up with this at 2:35am, the first thing you are going to ask is if they are under the influence of anything. I’m still not sure if he was sober at all during that time. After thinking about it thoroughly, I don’t believe that he and I could ever be back together. The amount of hurt and stress from the previous time before was way too much for me. Even with him proposing to work with me being kinky, I don’t think he even understands what it truly means to be in an open relationship what really isn’t all that open. I enjoy the thought of truly being with one person while being able to have non-sexual but sensual scenes with my play partners. Even though I have tried to explain it, he thinks of it as him being able to sleep with other people on which I wouldn’t be doing if I was with someone. This is truly one of those times where you just can’t make it work cause if it backfires, we are all going down hard. In the end, he isn’t someone I would go through hell for a second time for. However, this leads to another that is under the same question…
He is the one person that I have not been able to escape from. My heart has been tied to him since the day he first messaged me on Facebook which was five and half years or so ago. We have met and all so this is not some episode of Catfish in the least bit. Would I go through hell to be with him? Sadly, it seems I am unable to avoid the ride. Trust when I say this as it was difficult to finally give in. I am basically going to hell in a hand basket so I might as well get comfortable and enjoy the ride. This is one of those times I am not able to break my own heart of feelings for a person. I am truly coming to realize that this one I have to see all the way through come hell or high water as I know this won’t end until a heart is truly broken. I’ve ran from this for so long, pushed feelings back as far as I could and found things to keep my mind off of them, but I always find myself back at him. We find ourselves back at it again and again throughout all this time. I’m afraid and I know it. I know the risks involved and how bad this could be in the end. Unless someone has a time machine to stop me from opening that message years ago, it is beyond the point of return and inevitable on how things must go. Heh, even if it were to go back to the day he told me he had the exact same heart shaped bruise on his right forearm, that would still save me from my own conclusion that he was indeed my soul mate in this world. I know he isn’t perfect. He has issues just like anyone else I know, including myself. The one I can say is that we compliment each other with a chemistry that makes a soul smile with glee. I have never felt that with anyone before and I know that if I don’t get this out of my system now, I may not ever be able to feel that way with anyone else if he is not the one I was meant to be with. So I came to the gods forbidden conclusion that I must finally see this through and take the risks regardless of if it takes me to the depths of hell. I have made the bed, set up the room and built the house. It’s time I start living in it even if it burns to ashes.
The year of 2012 was quite the year for me. I know it has been a while since I actually wrote down any of the events of my kinky life and thought I should catch up on that now. The last post was in September of 2011 and many things have happened in that time period to now. A lot of growth and experience have me thinking about things in a new light. To keep everything in order the best that I can, I will start with filling in the rest of 2011 before the entire year of 2012.
2011: October - December
The remainder of 2011 was filled with learning and making new friends for sure. I went to play parties and met interesting people. The dress I made for a comic convention was able to be reused at the Gala at the Mark where I was able to show it off. It was a wonderful way to end the year. I went to another play party in Westmoreland which Im sad to say wasn’t my best experience there. I learned that screaming bloody murder will completely throw off my headspace. I couldn’t even really enjoy my scene I was having as I would call yellow left and right with things I had taken before. I was really disappointed in myself that night and so mad I cried that night. I hated that I felt like I let DK down and hated even more that I could not focus beyond the distractions of the woman in another room. I have just never heard someone scream like that and not call red. It was ilk there was no consideration for anyone else playing and it completely ruined the evening for me honestly. I was very much ready to go home and very must dissatisfied as well. DK and CC have been really awesome to me as I got to play with themThe rest of that year I don’t believe I played much as I became busy with family and friends around the holidays. Beyond that, 2011 was a good kink year for myself and I truly looked forward to the next year.
2012: Oh what a year!
To kick off my kink year, I decided to do the slave auction once more. I made a new outfit with polyester, lace and chain-mail. I looked amazing honestly and that isn’t being conceded at all. I was bought by a well established Domme and Sadist in the community, I completely respect and still squirm in thought about. I was also bought by DK, which brings just as much excitement. That evening I acquired quite a lot of books. Some were just for leisure while other were quite informative. I happened to get a signed copy of To Love, To Obey, To Serve by the Vi Johnson and I was beyond excited to read it. I now have a nice library thanks to that night. I attended Little’s Playdates and Spanking parties that were my usual with a few other events at the beginning of the year. My seamstress skills grew and I made a tiger outfit with fur all over me. The beginning of the year was good but that summer though has to be the best summer I have had in years though. I tried lots of different things that I was unsure about and ended up loving them. The first eye opening experience was the spanking party. That night, however, I was not bottoming to anyone. I was topping for the first time in my kinky life and found it relieving to get that energy out of me. I was co-topping of course but it was enjoyable too. I had accepted a while back that I had top energy but had no real way to get it out of me. After so much build up though, getting it out on soft smooth skin made it wonderful. The next event I got to try was fire play along my body. I was very very nervous but it was the best feeling I ever had. It was very soothing and sensual. I could have laid there for hours honestly. The next thing I tried proved to me that I can truly take way more pain than I thought. I tried cupping and all I can truly say to that is wow. Even now, I still shudder and squirm at the thought of it. It was painful and pleasurable at the same time. I had it done on my back and chest, and the bruises I got from it lasted for a week or two. That summer was absolutely amazing. Later on that year, I was introduced to a cane at a spanking party.The cane… Wow… Im in love with it. I don’t know where the love for it came from but I really do adore it. The thud and sting of it is delightful on my skin. As long as Im not being whipped with it, I really do enjoy the sensation it brings me. I really want to get one for myself to have and play with. This really makes me want to acquire or make a true school girl outfit as well. At the end of the year, I am happy to say that I am now a dollie to my friend CC, who is babygirl to AT, who is her Daddy. I will be starting off the year 2013 anew and Im sure it will be full of awesome surprises with the new relationship dynamic and the year itself.