Its been a while since I gave a last update on how things were going. I haven’t really been too active this year as I searched for a job and finally found one then got a second job on top of it! I’ve been out a few times and played with people as well as grown a lot more as a person. Half way through the year, Im finally feeling like Im coming into my own as an adult, but I am finding out that even that comes with difficulties at times. So on with the update!
I can say that I’m officially a dollie to my Girl on which I love dearly and playing with Her Daddy is always fun. I was rather nervous at first as I had not sexually played with anyone in kink for reasons stated in previous blogs. I like to keep my partners safe. After this experience, I’m learning that you can still be safe and have fun sensually as well. I love the time I spend in Her arms and cuddling as well as the feel of Her lips against mine. I swear its intoxicating and so easy to get lost in. I hate to see Her down and wish I could fix things so She would never have to be sad or upset but I know I would only be able to do so much. She is always going to be the special Lady in my life, even as friends. Last Friday, was FemDom Night and it was great fun for me. Even got to wrestle, which has lead to the planning of a wrestling tournament to soon come to pass I hope. It also led me to realize that I am definitely all tiger. There are different stages and moods, but I am tiger all the same. There is the tiger cub which is sweet and playful with plenty of gnawing and pouncing. The aggressive tiger who will take on challenges of anything with a piercing eye on the prize. Then there is also my loner tiger on which prefers to be alone and will get territorial about its space. Whenever I feel like Im in that loner mood, I tend to stay away from people if possible since she isn’t very social. Friday night brought out the aggressive tiger for sure on which she gained the name, Tora Ai, as a wrestling name. Tora Ai means tiger love in Japanese and it seems to fit me and it’s also growing on me as well. I’m already thinking about what outfit to make for Tora Ai. *chuckles*
Moving on to a serious note… As of late, it feels like something is missing. Maybe it is my own jitters and such about taking so much control of my life to make sure I get on my feet better. Thoughts of if I am making the right choices that come with supposedly be older and wiser. Part of me wants someone to help me make those decisions and really guide me where I need to me. I don’t crave to be told what to do as I’ve come to realize that I will rebel. Im not a brat but it takes a bit of authority for me to just do as I am told. I followed that so much all the way up until I was eighteen, that now it’s still getting out of my system. As said before in previous entries, I am forward and very much in control of things in my public life and I feel so off balance when I have to take control of my private life as well. The submissive in me screams to be able to let it all go and float for even a little bit of time without care. Just falling deep in thud and sensations again like I used to when I got into kink. I know I can take more and I don’t mind it sometimes, but its been so long since I really got to lose myself in sensations with someone without being pulled away cause something hurt. At that point, I just take it for my partner’s pleasure but when it hurts, I start to wonder if that is a path to the unknown slave space. I have never been a masochist and I don’t get a rise out of seeing marks or bruises along my skin. I really am a sensationalist and like to feel as if my skin were alive and aching for desire of more but it has lacked that aspect for me this year. I’m not quite sure what is going on and it’s slightly bothersome. I don’t like feeling like a need isn’t being met, but I’m not sure how to put it in words properly to ask for it. Even now, I still feel like these words aren’t accurate enough to explain what I am feeling right now. Firm but soft controlling touch that I can feel deep within the crevasses of my soul… Heh, even that doesn’t seem to give it justice. Right now, I think I will have to just deal and push the feeling away until I can figure out what to do with it. *sigh*
And now I must say something pertaining to the late odd happenings… I honestly believe there is something in the water or I’m leaking pheromones that can reach across the country. All of my official ex-boyfriends have tried to get back with me in the past two months and I have been getting hit on at work as if I were hot shit. Im aware that when a single female finally gets things together in their life, they seem to give off an air of confidence that is attractive to most males. I do not doubt such things besides the fact that I am happy with being single and doing me for a lack of words. I don’t have kids and I have two jobs, my own car and take care of my bills. I may not be thin like some people but I’m working on it and I’m attractive regardless of my weight. I’ve never been one for much attention from guys but it’s like they are coming out from under rocks and the depths of the Earth suddenly. So far, I have been able to fend off all advances until this past weekend happened. My last ex-boyfriend called and asked me to move out to OK to be with him and marry him, promising to provide for me and help me with anything cause he was in love with me and wanted to make up for all the hurt he did to me when we were together. Now, when someone calls you up with this at 2:35am, the first thing you are going to ask is if they are under the influence of anything. I’m still not sure if he was sober at all during that time. After thinking about it thoroughly, I don’t believe that he and I could ever be back together. The amount of hurt and stress from the previous time before was way too much for me. Even with him proposing to work with me being kinky, I don’t think he even understands what it truly means to be in an open relationship what really isn’t all that open. I enjoy the thought of truly being with one person while being able to have non-sexual but sensual scenes with my play partners. Even though I have tried to explain it, he thinks of it as him being able to sleep with other people on which I wouldn’t be doing if I was with someone. This is truly one of those times where you just can’t make it work cause if it backfires, we are all going down hard. In the end, he isn’t someone I would go through hell for a second time for. However, this leads to another that is under the same question…
He is the one person that I have not been able to escape from. My heart has been tied to him since the day he first messaged me on Facebook which was five and half years or so ago. We have met and all so this is not some episode of Catfish in the least bit. Would I go through hell to be with him? Sadly, it seems I am unable to avoid the ride. Trust when I say this as it was difficult to finally give in. I am basically going to hell in a hand basket so I might as well get comfortable and enjoy the ride. This is one of those times I am not able to break my own heart of feelings for a person. I am truly coming to realize that this one I have to see all the way through come hell or high water as I know this won’t end until a heart is truly broken. I’ve ran from this for so long, pushed feelings back as far as I could and found things to keep my mind off of them, but I always find myself back at him. We find ourselves back at it again and again throughout all this time. I’m afraid and I know it. I know the risks involved and how bad this could be in the end. Unless someone has a time machine to stop me from opening that message years ago, it is beyond the point of return and inevitable on how things must go. Heh, even if it were to go back to the day he told me he had the exact same heart shaped bruise on his right forearm, that would still save me from my own conclusion that he was indeed my soul mate in this world. I know he isn’t perfect. He has issues just like anyone else I know, including myself. The one I can say is that we compliment each other with a chemistry that makes a soul smile with glee. I have never felt that with anyone before and I know that if I don’t get this out of my system now, I may not ever be able to feel that way with anyone else if he is not the one I was meant to be with. So I came to the gods forbidden conclusion that I must finally see this through and take the risks regardless of if it takes me to the depths of hell. I have made the bed, set up the room and built the house. It’s time I start living in it even if it burns to ashes.